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The
Baby Blues
By
Elizabeth Pantley, author of Gentle Baby Care
I
remember when I was lying in my hospital bed after the birth
of my fourth child, Coleton. I had endured a full day of
labor and a difficult delivery (who says the fourth one
comes easily?), and I was tired beyond explanation. After
the relief of seeing my precious new child came an
uncontrollable feeling to close my eyes and sleep. As my
husband cradled newborn Coleton, I drifted off; my parting
thoughts were, “I can’t do this. I don’t have the
energy. How will I ever take care of a baby?” Luckily for
me, a few hours of sleep, a supportive family, and lucky
genes were all it took to feel normal again. But as many as
80% of new mothers experience a case of the baby blues that
lasts for weeks after the birth of their baby. This isn’t
something new mothers can control ¾
there’s no place for blame. The most wonderful and
committed mothers, even experienced mothers of more than one
child, can get the baby blues.
What
are baby blues?
Your
baby’s birth has set into motion great changes in your
body and in your life, and your emotions are reacting in a
normal way. Dramatic hormonal shifts occur when a body goes
from pregnant to not pregnant in a manner of minutes. Add to
this your new title (Mommy!) and the responsibilities that
go with it, and your blues are perfectly understandable.
You’re not alone; this emotional letdown during the first
few weeks is common after birth. Just remember that your
state of mind has a physical origin and is exacerbated by
challenging circumstances ¾
and you and your body will adjust to both soon.
How do
I know if I have the baby blues?
Every
woman who experiences the baby blues (also called postpartum
blues) does so in a different way. The most common symptoms
include:
- Anxiety
and nervousness
- Sadness
or feelings of loss
- Stress
and tension
- Impatience
or a short temper
- Bouts
of crying or tearfulness
- Mood
swings
- Difficulty
concentrating
- Trouble
sleeping or excessive tiredness
- Not
wanting to get dressed, go out, or clean up the house
Could
it be more than just the baby blues?
If
you’re not sure whether you have the blues ask your doctor
or midwife, and don’t feel embarrassed: This is a question
that health care providers hear often and with good reason.
If you’re feeling these symptoms to a degree that disrupts
your normal level of function, if your baby is more than a
few weeks old, or if you have additional symptoms ¾
particularly feelings of resentment or rejection toward your
baby or even a temptation to harm him ¾
you may have more than the blues, you may have postpartum
depression. This is a serious illness that requires
immediate treatment. Please call a doctor or
professional today. If you can’t make the call, then
please talk to your partner, your mother or father, a
sibling or friend and ask them to arrange for help. Do this
for yourself and for your baby. If you can’t talk about
it, hand this page it to someone close to you. It’s that
important. You do not have to feel this way, and safe
treatment is available, even if you’re breastfeeding.
How
can I get rid of the blues?
While
typical baby blues are fairly brief and usually disappear on
their own, you can do a few things to help yourself feel
better and get through the next few emotional days or weeks:
·
Give yourself time. Grant yourself permission to
take the time you need to become a mother. Pregnancy lasts
nine months, the adoption process can take even longer, and
your baby’s actual birth is only a moment ¾
but becoming a mother takes time. Motherhood is an immense
responsibility. In my opinion, it is the most overwhelming,
meaningful, incredible, transforming experience of a
lifetime. No wonder it produces such emotional and physical
change!
No other
event of this magnitude would ever be taken lightly, so
don’t feel guilty for treating this time in your life as
the very big deal it is. Remind yourself that it’s okay
(and necessary) to focus on this new aspect of your life and
make it your number-one priority. Tending to a newborn
properly takes time ¾
all the time in his world. So, instead of feeling guilty or
conflicted about your new focus, put your heart into getting
to know this new little person. The world can wait for a few
weeks.
Consider
as objectively as you can just what you have accomplished:
You have formed a new, entire person inside your own body
and brought him forth; you have been party to a miracle. Or, if you've adopted, you've chosen to invite a
miracle into your life and became an instant mother.
You deserve a break and some space in which to just exist
with your amazing little one, unfettered by outside
concerns.
·
Talk to someone who understands. Talk to a sibling,
relative or friend with young children about what you are
feeling. Someone who has experienced the baby blues can help
you realize that they are temporary, and everything
will be fine. A confidante can also serve as a checkpoint
who can encourage you to seek help if he or she perceives
that you need it.
·
Reach out and get out.
Simply getting out (if you are physically able
and okayed for this by your health care provider) and
connecting with people at large can go a long way toward
reorienting your perspective. Four walls can close in very
quickly, so change the scenery and head to the mall, the
park, the library, a coffeehouse ¾
whatever place you enjoy. You’ll feel a sense of pride as
strangers ooh and ahh over your little one, and your baby
will enjoy the stimulation, too.
·
Join a support group. Joining a support group, either in
person or online, can help you sort through your feelings
about new motherhood. Take care to choose a group that
aligns with your core beliefs about parenting a baby. As an
example, if you are committed to breastfeeding, but most
other members of the group are bottlefeeding, this may not
be the best place for you, since your breastfeeding issues
won’t be understood and you won’t find many helpful
ideas among this group. If you have multiples, a premature
baby, or a baby with special needs, for example, seek out a
group for parents with babies like yours. And within those
parameters, look for a group with your same overall
parenting beliefs. Just because you all have twin
babies doesn’t mean you will all choose to parent them in
the same way, so try to find like-minded new friends.
·
Tell Daddy what he can do to help. It’s very important
that your spouse or partner be there for you right now. He
may want to help you, but he may be unsure of how.
Here are a few things that he can do for you ¾
show him this list to help him help you:
- Understand.
It’s critical that your spouse or partner feel that
you understand that she is going through a hormonally
driven depression that she cannot control ¾
and that she is not “just being grumpy.” Tell her
you know this is normal, and that she’ll be feeling
better soon. Simply looking over this list and using
some of the ideas will tell her a lot about your
commitment to (and belief in) her.
- Let
her talk about her feelings. Knowing
she can talk to you about her feelings without being
judged or criticized will help her feel much better.
- Tend
to the baby. Taking
care of your baby so Mommy can sleep or take a shower
can give her a breath of fresh air. Have her nurse the
baby and then you can take him for a walk (using a sling
will keep Baby happy) or go on an outing. A benefit for
you is that most babies love to be out and about and
will enjoy this special time with you.
- Step
in to protect her. If
she’s overwhelmed with visitors, kindly explain to
company that she needs a lot of rest. Help her with
whatever household duties usually fall to her (or get
someone to help her) and do what you can to stay on top
of yours. Worry about the house’s cleanliness or
laundry upkeep will do her no good whatsoever. If
relatives offer to take the baby for a few hours, or to
help with the house, take them up on it.
- Tell
her she’s beautiful. Most woman feel depressed
about the way they look after childbirth ¾
because most still look four months pregnant! After
changing so greatly to accommodate a baby’s
development, a woman’s body takes months to regain any
semblance of normalcy. Be patient with both her body and
her feelings about it. Tell her what an amazing thing
she’s accomplished. Any compliments that acknowledge
her unique beauty are sure to be greatly appreciated!
- Tell
her you love the baby. Don’t
be bashful about gushing over the baby. Mommy loves to
hear that you’re enraptured with this new little
member of your family.
- Be
affectionate, but be patient about sex. With all
that she’s struggling with physically and emotionally,
weeks may pass before she’s ready for sex (even if
she’s had an OK after her checkup.) That doesn’t
mean she doesn’t love you or need you ¾
she just needs a little time to get back to the physical
aspects of your sexual relationship.
- Tell
her you love her. Even when she isn’t feeling
down, she needs to hear this ¾
and right now it’s more important for her health and
well-being than ever.
- Get
support for you, too. Becoming
a father is a giant step in your life. Open up to a
friend about how it feels to be a Dad, and do things
that you enjoy, too. Taking care of yourself will help
you take care of your new family.
Accept
help from others. Family
and friends are often happy to help if you just ask. When
people say, “Let me know if I can do anything” they
usually mean it. So, go ahead and ask kindly for what
you want, whether it’s watching your baby so that you can
nap, taking your older child to the park, helping you make a
meal, or doing some laundry.
Get
some sleep. Right now, sleeplessness will enhance your
feelings of depression. So, take every opportunity to get
some shuteye. Nap when the baby sleeps, go to bed early, and
sleep in later in the morning if you can. If you are
co-sleeping, take advantage of this special time when you
don’t have to get up out of bed to tend to your baby. And
if your baby’s sleep patterns are distressing to you then
reach out to an experienced parent for help, or check out my
book The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your
Baby Sleep Through the Night.
Don’t
fret about perfection right now. Household duties are
not your top priority now ¾
in fact, nothing aside from getting to know your baby is.
Remember that people are coming to see your baby, not
your house, so enjoy sharing your baby with visitors
without worrying about a little clutter or dust. Simplify,
prioritize, and delegate routine tasks, errands, and
obligations.
Enjoy
your job. If you work outside the home, then view your
time at your job as an opportunity to refresh and prepare
yourself to enjoy your baby fully when you are at home. Go
ahead ¾
talk about your baby and share pictures with your
co-workers. Chances are, they’ll love to hear about your
new little one. This is a nice and appropriate way of
indulging your natural instincts to focus on your baby when
you can’t be with her.
Get
into exercising. With your health care provider’s
approval, start exercising with short walks or swims.
Exercise will help you feel better in many ways both
physical and emotional. Even if you didn’t exercise before
you had your baby, this is a great time to start. Studies
prove that regular exercise helps combat depression, and it
will help you regain your pre-baby body much more quickly.
Eat
healthful foods. When the body isn’t properly
nourished, spirits can flag ¾
particularly when the stress of recovery makes more
nutritional demands. If you are breastfeeding, a nourishing
diet is important for both you and your baby. Healthful
foods, eaten in frequent meals, can provide the nutrition
you need to combat the baby blues and give you the energy
you need to handle your new role. And don’t forget to
drink water and other healthy fluids, especially if you’re
nursing! Dehydration can cause fatigue and headaches.
Take
care of yourself. Parenting a new baby is an enormous
responsibility, but things will fall into place for you and
everything will seem easier given time. During this
adjustment phase, try to do a few things for yourself.
Simple joys like reading a book, painting your nails, going
out to lunch with a friend or other ways in which you
nourish your spirit can help you feel happier.
Love
yourself. You are amazing: You’ve become mother to a
beautiful new baby. You’ve played a starring role in the
production of an incredible miracle. Be proud of what
you’ve accomplished, and take the time to know and enjoy
the strong, capable, multifaceted person you are becoming.
This
article is a copyrighted excerpt from Gentle
Baby Care
by
Elizabeth Pantley.
(McGraw-Hill, 2003)
Website: http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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