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How
to Have a Happy Marriage
When You’re Busy Being Parents
By
Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Kid Cooperation, Perfect
Parenting and Hidden Messages
Is your
marriage everything you ever hoped it could be? Or has it
been pushed down your list of priorities since having
children? Let’s face it, parenthood is a full-time job,
and it dramatically changes your marriage relationship. But
marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is
structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family
will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be
a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun
in your life.
Make a
commitment
To create
or maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the
first critical step: You must be willing to put time,
effort and thought into nurturing your marriage. The
ideas that follow will help you follow through on this
commitment and will put new life and meaning into your
marriage. A wonderful thing may happen. You may fall in love
with your spouse all over again. In addition, your children
will greatly benefit from your stronger relationship.
Children feel secure when they know that Mom and Dad love
each other—particularly in today’s world, where 50
percent of marriages end in divorce; half of your
children’s friends have gone, or are going through a
divorce; or maybe it’s your kids who have survived a
divorce and are now living in a new family arrangement.
Your children need daily proof that their family life
is stable and predictable. When you make a commitment to
your marriage, your children will feel the difference. No,
they won’t suffer from neglect! They’ll blossom when
your marriage—and their homelife—is thriving.
The
surprising secret is that this doesn’t have to take any
extra time in your already busy schedule. Just a change in
attitude plus a committed focus can yield a stronger,
happier marriage.
So
here’s my challenge to you. Read the following suggestions
and apply them in your marriage for the next 30 days. Then
evaluate your marriage. I guarantee you’ll both be
happier.
Look
for the good, overlook the bad
You
married this person for many good reasons. Your partner has
many wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle
to your marriage is to look for the good and overlook the
bad.
Make it a
habit to ignore the little annoying things — dirty socks
on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn out
flannel pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table —
and choose instead to search for those things that make you
smile: the way he rolls on the floor with the baby; the fact
that she made your favorite cookies, the peace in knowing
someone so well that you can wear your worn out
flannels or burp at the table.
Give
two compliments every day
Now that
you’ve committed to seeing the good in your partner,
it’s time to say it! This is a golden key to your mate’s
heart. Our world is so full of negative input, and we so
rarely get compliments from other people. When we do get a
compliment, it not only makes us feel great about ourselves,
it actually makes us feel great about the person giving the
compliment! Think about it! When your honey says,
“You’re the best. I’m so glad I married you.” It not
only makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more loving.
Compliments
are easy to give, take such a little bit of time, and
they’re free. Compliments are powerful; you just have to
make the effort to say them. Anything works: “Dinner was
great, you make my favorite sauce.” “Thanks for picking
up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved me a
trip.” “That sweater looks great on you.”
Play
nice
That
may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many times
do you see -- or experience -- partners treating each other
in impolite, harsh ways that they’d never even treat a
friend? Sometimes we take our partners for granted and
unintentionally display rudeness. As the saying goes, if you
have a choice between being right and being nice, just
choose to be nice. Or to put this in the wise words of
Bambi’s friend Thumper, the bunny rabbit – “If you
can’t say somethin’ nice don’t say nothin’ at
all.”
Pick
your battles
How
often have you heard this advice about parenting? This is
great advice for child-rearing—and it’s great advice
to follow in your marriage as well. In any human
relationship there will be disagreement and conflict. The
key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and
which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find
much less negative energy between you.
From
now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine
the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How
important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight
over?” “What would be the benefit of choosing this
battle versus letting it go?”
The
60 second cuddle
You can
often identify a newly married couple just by how much they
touch each other — holding hands, sitting close, touching
arms, kissing — just as you can spot an
“oldly-married” couple by how little they touch.
Mothers, in particular, often have less need for physical
contact with their partners because their babies and young
children provide so much opportunity for touch and cuddling
that day’s end finds them “touched fulfilled”.
So
here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your
spouse more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage
– the good feeling it produces for both of you far
outweighs the effort.
Here’s
the deal: Whenever you’ve been apart make it a rule that
you will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch and connect.
This can be addictive! If you follow this advice soon
you’ll find yourselves touching each other more often, and
increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.
Spend
more time talking to and listening to your partner.
I
don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer
uniform.” Or “I have a PTA meeting tonight.” Rather,
get into the habit of sharing your thoughts about what you
read in the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes, your
dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest in those
things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions.
And then listen to the answers.
Spend
time with your spouse
It
can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you
spend all your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy”. You
need to spend regular time as “Husband” and “Wife”. This
doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week vacation in
Hawaii
. (Although that might be nice, too!) Just take small daily
snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted
conversation, or even just quiet companionship, without a
baby on your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve or a
teenager begging for the car keys. A daily morning walk
around the block or a shared cup of tea after all the
children are in bed might work wonders to re-connect you to
each other. And yes, it’s quite fine to talk about your
children when you’re spending your time together, because,
after all, your children are one of the most important
connections you have in your relationship.
When
you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures
your relationship, you may find a renewed love between you,
as well as a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be a
better, more loving parent. You owe it to yourself — and
to your kids — to nurture your relationship.
So take
my challenge and use these ideas for the next 30 days. And
watch your marriage take on a whole new glow.
Parts
of this article are excerpted with permission from books by
Elizabeth Pantley:
Kid
Cooperation: How to Stop Yelling, Nagging and Pleading
Hidden
Messages: What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our
Children
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
by
New Harbinger Publications, Inc. and by
McGraw-Hill/Contemporary
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