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First-Born
Jealousy
By
Elizabeth Pantley,
Author
of the No-Cry Sleep Solution
Question:
Our first-born is showing extreme jealousy towards
the new baby. He’s obviously mad at us for disrupting the
predictable flow of his life with this new challenger for
our attention. How can we smooth things out?
Think
about it:
Before the baby entered your family, your toddler was told
he’d have a wonderful little brother to play with, and how
much fun it would be. Then the little brother is born and
your toddler is thinking, “Are you kidding me? This squirming, red-faced baby that takes up all
your time and attention is supposed to be FUN?” He
then “plays” with the baby in the only ways he knows
how. He plays catch. You yell at him for throwing toys at
the baby. He plays hide-and-seek. You yell at him to get the
blanket off the baby. He gives the kid a hug, and you
admonish him to be more careful. Is it any wonder that your
toddler is confused?
Teach:
Your first goal is to protect the baby. Your second, to
teach your older child how to interact with his new sibling
in proper ways. You can teach your toddler how to play with
the baby in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk
to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel
confident that you’ve achieved your second goal, however,
do not leave the children alone together. Yes, I know. It
isn’t convenient. But it is necessary, maybe even
critical.
Hover:
Whenever the children are together, “hover” close by. If
you see your child about to get rough, pick up the baby and
distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity
or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you
avoid a constant string of “Nos,” which may actually
encourage the aggressive behavior.
Teach
soft touches:
Teach the older sibling how to give the baby a back rub.
Tell how this kind of touching calms the baby, and praise
the older child for a job well done. This lesson teaches the
child how to be physical with the baby in a positive way.
Act
quickly:
Every time you see your child hit, or act roughly with the
baby, act quickly. You might firmly announce, “No hitting,
time out.” Place the child in a time-out chair with the
statement, “You can get up when you can use your hands in
the right way.” Allow him to get right up if he wants –
as long as he is careful and gentle with the baby. This
isn’t punishment, after all. It’s just helping him learn
that rough actions aren’t going to be permitted.
Demonstrate:
Children
learn what they live. Your older child will be watching as
you handle the baby and learning from your actions. You are
your child’s most important teacher. You are demonstrating
in everything you do, and your child will learn most from
watching you.
Praise:
Whenever you see the older child touching the baby gently,
make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the important
“older brother.” Hug and kiss your older child and tell
him how proud you are.
Watch
your words:
Don’t blame everything on the
baby. “We can’t go to the park; the
baby’s sleeping.” “Be quiet, you’ll wake the
baby.” “After I change the
baby I’ll help you.” At this point, your child would
just as soon sell the
baby! Instead, use alternate reasons. “My
hands are busy now.” “We’ll go after lunch.”
“I’ll help you in three minutes.”
Be
supportive:
Acknowledge
your child’s unspoken feelings, such as “Things
sure have changed with the new baby here. It’s going to
take us all some time to get used to this.” Keep your
comments mild and general. Don’t say, “I bet you hate
the new baby.” Instead, say, “It
must be hard to have Mommy spending so much time with the
baby.” or “I
bet you wish we could go to the park now, and not have to
wait for the baby to wake up.” When your child knows
that you understand her feelings, she’ll have less need to
act up to get your attention.
Give
extra love:
Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child.
Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs, and
find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary
regressions or behavior problems are normal, and can be
eased with an extra dose of time and attention.
Get
‘em involved:
Teach the older sibling how to be helpful with the baby or
how to entertain the baby. Let the older sibling open the
baby gifts and use the camera to take pictures of the baby.
Teach him how to put the baby’s socks on. Let him sprinkle
the powder. Praise and encourage whenever possible.
Making
each feel special:
Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent
topics such as birth weight, when each first crawled or
walked, or who had more hair! Children can interpret these
comments as criticisms.
Take
a deep breath and be calm.
This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family.
Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping
standards, and focus on your current priority, adjusting to
your new family size.
Excerpted
with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc.
from Perfect Parenting, The Dictionary of 1,000 Parenting
Tips by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 1999
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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